Being newly married is incredibly exciting, filled with all kinds of possibilities of shared dreams and forever companionship. However, it's often accompanied by expectations that can leave us feeling disappointed and disillusioned. When Janet and I first got married, I naively had it in my head that she would take care of the household chores—including cooking, cleaning, and laundry. After all, that’s what my mom did for our family. Sure, I’d chip in here and there, but these were primarily Janet’s tasks.
Janet, too, brought her own expectations to the marriage. She assumed I would handle all the minor household improvements, repairs, and any outdoor upkeep and maintenance. Things like oil changes, lawn mowing, paint touch-ups, and the odd weekend project were on my list—after all, that’s what her dad did for their family.
So, when my dress shirts remained neglected in the laundry basket, soiled and wrinkled, I was a bit mystified, even miffed! And when the running toilet continued to run, and the sliding closet door remained off its track for months, needless to say, Janet was more than a tad flustered. As minor as these issues may seem, they reflect the unspoken assumptions many couples inadvertently bring into their marriages.
Don't assume.
Admittedly, Janet and I never had a sit-down conversation about household responsibilities and how to best divvy them up. We just assumed the other would instinctively know and act accordingly. I never gave her the opportunity to articulate how much she hated ironing clothes, or to tell her that my procrastination around fixing the closet door was due to nothing more than my simple lack of know-how.
We had both fallen prey to the classic newlywed trap—expecting our partner to naturally fulfill unspoken roles based on the blueprint of our childhood homes.
It’s these silent expectations that often become the silent killers of marital bliss.
And it’s not just limited to newlyweds!
Express yourself.
Clear communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. Never assume your spouse knows what you need or want—always express yourself openly and honestly. Expecting your partner to be a mind reader is a common pitfall at any stage of marriage.
There will always be issues to contend with:
✅ Where to celebrate the holidays
✅ How to discipline the children
✅ What to do next weekend
✅ Who should pick up the groceries
✅ The frequency of sexual intimacy
✅ How to spend that upcoming bonus
Marital roles should never be rigid. Galatians 6:2 exhorts us to, “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” As teammates, we should each be willing to do whatever is best for the team without keeping scores or levying IOUs.
Flexibility is key, as circumstances may require you to adapt and share responsibilities in different ways throughout your life together. Job changes, health issues, new family additions, or transitioning to an empty nest—these can dramatically shift the dynamics of a relationship. What worked yesterday for your marriage may not work tomorrow.
Ask for help.
In our case, Janet and I eventually learned the importance of talking things through so that we had a mutual understanding of expectations for moving forward. Moreover, whenever possible, we've learned to simply do for one another—without expecting something in return. This practice allows us to show appreciation for all the effort the other puts into our shared life—no matter how big or small.
Jesus taught in John 13:35, “Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” Isn’t that what it’s all about?
To cultivate a thriving marriage, it's critical to discard the unfair expectations we impose on our partners. Instead, embrace open dialogue, practice empathy, and most importantly, show mutual respect that values the person over their performance.
We can transform our great expectations into great communications, great understandings, and great partnerships. Marriage, after all, is a journey best navigated together—side by side.
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